Guilt...

So one thing I've realized so far is that I wish I hadn't wasted so much time feeling guilty.  I had no reason to.  I felt guilty for my past, I felt guilty for certain thoughts, I felt guilty if I even thought someone else was attractive.

Our marriage wasn't perfect... no marriage is.  I felt neglected and I wasn't the greatest wife in the world.  I had thoughts... wondered what it would be like if someone else had paid me any attention.  Wondered what it would be like to have an affair.  Wondered what it would be like if I had never married him in the first place.  Wondered what my life would be like without him.  I felt guilty for those thoughts.  But I never once took them beyond thoughts.  I was always friendly with people, but never flirtatious.  I never led anyone on, never touched or kissed anyone other than my husband since we had been together.  Never so much as started any type of conversation or relationship with any man that could have led to something more.  I don't think that I could have taken anything to inappropriate levels just because I don't think deep down that I have it in me.  Not like anyone was interested or probably ever would be.

I remember when I worked at the same store as my husband (different departments,) and there was a coworker in my department that we both got along well with.  One time I was on my lunch break at the food place next door and he came in for his break and asked me to sit with him.  We talked about politics and other stuff that we usually chatted about.  I felt a little awkward and felt guilty for having spent any "alone" (in public, mind you) time with someone of the opposite sex, even though it was completely innocent. I'm a firm believer in not putting yourself into positions that could compromise your integrity, no matter how innocent they may be.  How many affairs have started out "innocent?"  Too many, very few go in with intentions of actually turning out that way.  We were not interested in each other, but I still felt it was something that I shouldn't have done, and thankfully there was never a situation that presented itself again.

My biggest guilt came from my own past.  Mr. E was a virgin, I was not.  I was very intent to keep myself pure for marriage, but one very bad situation/relationship consumed me and I gave myself to him out of fear.  It was something I regretted from the moment it happened, and while to most people this would have been no big deal, it was to me.  Perhaps I expected too much of myself.  Most of the time it wouldn't even be a thought in my head, but occasionally there were triggers that sent me into days or weeks of the burden of my past oppressing me and robbing me of the ability to forgive myself.  If there's one good thing that has come out of this, it's that my past no longer matters to me.  I no longer feel guilty for what I had done because what Mr. E did to me was far worse.  That probably sounds bad.  But realizing that he was not "better" than me, or that I was no longer "less perfect" than he, has cast a different light on my entire life.  For once, I feel like the strong one and maybe I have come to finally forgive myself.

The next step is working on forgiving him...

Mrs. E

The High Ups and the Low Downs...

It has been just over one week now since that fateful day.  I knew when I looked in my husbands eyes and asked "there's more isn't there?" that my life was never going to be the same again.  He could not tell me right there and instead composed a letter.  My heart began pounding as soon as I saw that look in his eyes... it continued as I took a shower to let him have time to write the note, it picked up pace yet again as I saw the note on our bed.  I didn't want to pick it up, knowing that this was going to be such a pivotal point in our relationship and our lives.  It took me a while to gain the courage to actually read it.  I knew what was in it would hurt me, but I was still hoping it would not have been as bad as I was expecting.

When I had completed it I fell in a heap on the floor and wailed for thirty minutes straight.  I muffled my cries in one of Mr. E's dress shirts, but it did little to contain that guttural agony.  I was actually surprised it did not wake Baby E who had just been put down for a nap in the next room.  The lamentation that bubbled out of me came from so deep a place I could not tell its origin... my heart, my gut, my mind, my soul?  Perhaps a combination of all those places.  The sound was so foreign to me I actually felt like I wasn't a part of my own body, but rather a spectator to someone else's torment.  From that point I went from silence back to gut wrenching sobs off and on for another two hours.

Some have described their emotions after a traumatic event as a "roller coaster ride."  I just cannot bring myself to call it that as there is certainly no thrill in this, and quite frankly, I love roller coasters, and I certainly don't love this.  But what they are intending to convey is the ups and downs of coping with such devastating news.  For me, atleast to this point, they have been extremely high "ups" and really low "downs."  Not much in between.  I certainly have not reacted in a way that I ever would have imagined.  The plethora of emotions that have coursed through my mind over the last week have been downright confusing and astonishing.

What do I mean?  Within the first twelve hours after finding out what he had done we made love four times.  In the following few days we probably ended making love almost a dozen times.  The craziest thing is it was the absolutely most amazing sex we had ever enjoyed.  Sex that I thought we would never share together.  Perhaps I was trying to gain him back?  Trying to prove I still meant something to him?  To go from feeling nauseous at the mere thought of his caresses, to the most intimacy we had felt in a long time was extremely baffling, for both he and I.  We held hands, he shared our thoughts, we made out, we were loving, we were aggressive.  The passion that had been so lacking was rekindled.  At one point I actually became someone I didn't recognize.  Mr. E was actually not sure how to take it because it was so unlike myself.  We have discussed how the change of events left us bewildered and we came to the conclusion that I'm trying to gain control of something.  I feel like everything else has spiraled out of control and feel like that's something I can control.

So after all those crazy "high" feelings I would not let him sleep in the bed with me.  I would not (and still won't) wear his ring.  I would not even tell him "I love you."  (Even though I told him that I did love him, otherwise would not even have considered giving him another chance.)  I just could not say those three words to him, even when he said them to me.  So how could I let him make passionate love to me and not allow everything else?

Throughout the day my emotions will overtake me and I start to collapse.  The weight of his betrayal sits on me so heavily at times that I feel the urge to vomit, sink within myself, start crying.  He notices when I start slipping away and asks me to come back.  He can see it in my eyes.  Sometimes it's triggered within an instant, sometimes triggered seemingly unprovoked.  Other times something reminds me of something and my mind starts to drift.  Sometimes it hits me while we were alone and I start to convulse again with sobs, other times it hits me in public where I have to contain myself.  I'm sure people can tell something is wrong.  I cannot look at anyone - man or woman - without thinking "is she anything like the women he was with?" or "he's probably a jerk, too, because all men must be."  It's incapacitating.  It prevents me from enjoying myself.  I know there will be many more moments like this, and while I'm feeling fine I don't know when I'll be hit again.  Could be any time, any place.  That threat keeps me aloof and distrustful.   See, my trust was not only damaged in our relationship, but overall, and that's something I have to work on.  I have to heal within myself while our relationship heals.

Mrs. E

The Truth Is...

You never know how you'll react in a situation until it happens to you.  Never in my life did I think I would be standing where I am at this moment.  I always said there is no way I would be able to handle it... no way I could deal... no way I would stay.

Yet here I am.  And it's not as I thought.  Just a few days ago my world came crashing down on me.  These days have felt like years.  I found out that all I believed was not as it seemed... that my world was a lie.

I found out that my husband was unfaithful.

He is a good man, and while my insecurities have always nagged me of the possibility, I never thought he was capable of hurting me so fully and so deeply.  One thing I always admired about him was his honesty and to find out that he was hiding so much from me completely shattered my soul.  I no longer knew this person who I had spent the last eight years of my life with.  Our love had created another life.  I just could not fathom that this was the person that I had shared everything with.

I always told him that if he ever betrayed me in such a way I would leave him.  I just knew the pain would be too much to bear.  I just knew I would never be able to let him touch me, love me, or look at me again.  I have made my decision.  I.am.staying.  I do believe this is and will be the most formidable journey of my life. I know the road will be filled with challenges beyond my comprehension, but something is keeping me strong enough to do the right thing.

This is my journey.  I feel that chronicling it will help with the healing process, will show me progress when I've lost my way, will encourage me when I feel I can't go on.  Right now I feel so completely alone.  I feel there is no one I can turn to.  I cannot talk to anyone I know because I do not want to bring shame to my husband, regardless of that shame I feel he has brought me.  While counseling is in our near future it just helps to know that I am not alone.  I know there must be others out there who are either in the same place or have been there before.

Please, if you have been there or are walking this road with me, contact me.  I could use all the encouragement I can get.  If I can bring about any good of my suffering, I choose to do so.

Mrs. E