Guilt...

So one thing I've realized so far is that I wish I hadn't wasted so much time feeling guilty.  I had no reason to.  I felt guilty for my past, I felt guilty for certain thoughts, I felt guilty if I even thought someone else was attractive.

Our marriage wasn't perfect... no marriage is.  I felt neglected and I wasn't the greatest wife in the world.  I had thoughts... wondered what it would be like if someone else had paid me any attention.  Wondered what it would be like to have an affair.  Wondered what it would be like if I had never married him in the first place.  Wondered what my life would be like without him.  I felt guilty for those thoughts.  But I never once took them beyond thoughts.  I was always friendly with people, but never flirtatious.  I never led anyone on, never touched or kissed anyone other than my husband since we had been together.  Never so much as started any type of conversation or relationship with any man that could have led to something more.  I don't think that I could have taken anything to inappropriate levels just because I don't think deep down that I have it in me.  Not like anyone was interested or probably ever would be.

I remember when I worked at the same store as my husband (different departments,) and there was a coworker in my department that we both got along well with.  One time I was on my lunch break at the food place next door and he came in for his break and asked me to sit with him.  We talked about politics and other stuff that we usually chatted about.  I felt a little awkward and felt guilty for having spent any "alone" (in public, mind you) time with someone of the opposite sex, even though it was completely innocent. I'm a firm believer in not putting yourself into positions that could compromise your integrity, no matter how innocent they may be.  How many affairs have started out "innocent?"  Too many, very few go in with intentions of actually turning out that way.  We were not interested in each other, but I still felt it was something that I shouldn't have done, and thankfully there was never a situation that presented itself again.

My biggest guilt came from my own past.  Mr. E was a virgin, I was not.  I was very intent to keep myself pure for marriage, but one very bad situation/relationship consumed me and I gave myself to him out of fear.  It was something I regretted from the moment it happened, and while to most people this would have been no big deal, it was to me.  Perhaps I expected too much of myself.  Most of the time it wouldn't even be a thought in my head, but occasionally there were triggers that sent me into days or weeks of the burden of my past oppressing me and robbing me of the ability to forgive myself.  If there's one good thing that has come out of this, it's that my past no longer matters to me.  I no longer feel guilty for what I had done because what Mr. E did to me was far worse.  That probably sounds bad.  But realizing that he was not "better" than me, or that I was no longer "less perfect" than he, has cast a different light on my entire life.  For once, I feel like the strong one and maybe I have come to finally forgive myself.

The next step is working on forgiving him...

Mrs. E