It has been just over one week now since that fateful day. I knew when I looked in my husbands eyes and asked "there's more isn't there?" that my life was never going to be the same again. He could not tell me right there and instead composed a letter. My heart began pounding as soon as I saw that look in his eyes... it continued as I took a shower to let him have time to write the note, it picked up pace yet again as I saw the note on our bed. I didn't want to pick it up, knowing that this was going to be such a pivotal point in our relationship and our lives. It took me a while to gain the courage to actually read it. I knew what was in it would hurt me, but I was still hoping it would not have been as bad as I was expecting.
When I had completed it I fell in a heap on the floor and wailed for thirty minutes straight. I muffled my cries in one of Mr. E's dress shirts, but it did little to contain that guttural agony. I was actually surprised it did not wake Baby E who had just been put down for a nap in the next room. The lamentation that bubbled out of me came from so deep a place I could not tell its origin... my heart, my gut, my mind, my soul? Perhaps a combination of all those places. The sound was so foreign to me I actually felt like I wasn't a part of my own body, but rather a spectator to someone else's torment. From that point I went from silence back to gut wrenching sobs off and on for another two hours.
Some have described their emotions after a traumatic event as a "roller coaster ride." I just cannot bring myself to call it that as there is certainly no thrill in this, and quite frankly, I love roller coasters, and I certainly don't love this. But what they are intending to convey is the ups and downs of coping with such devastating news. For me, atleast to this point, they have been extremely high "ups" and really low "downs." Not much in between. I certainly have not reacted in a way that I ever would have imagined. The plethora of emotions that have coursed through my mind over the last week have been downright confusing and astonishing.
What do I mean? Within the first twelve hours after finding out what he had done we made love four times. In the following few days we probably ended making love almost a dozen times. The craziest thing is it was the absolutely most amazing sex we had ever enjoyed. Sex that I thought we would never share together. Perhaps I was trying to gain him back? Trying to prove I still meant something to him? To go from feeling nauseous at the mere thought of his caresses, to the most intimacy we had felt in a long time was extremely baffling, for both he and I. We held hands, he shared our thoughts, we made out, we were loving, we were aggressive. The passion that had been so lacking was rekindled. At one point I actually became someone I didn't recognize. Mr. E was actually not sure how to take it because it was so unlike myself. We have discussed how the change of events left us bewildered and we came to the conclusion that I'm trying to gain control of something. I feel like everything else has spiraled out of control and feel like that's something I can control.
So after all those crazy "high" feelings I would not let him sleep in the bed with me. I would not (and still won't) wear his ring. I would not even tell him "I love you." (Even though I told him that I did love him, otherwise would not even have considered giving him another chance.) I just could not say those three words to him, even when he said them to me. So how could I let him make passionate love to me and not allow everything else?
Throughout the day my emotions will overtake me and I start to collapse. The weight of his betrayal sits on me so heavily at times that I feel the urge to vomit, sink within myself, start crying. He notices when I start slipping away and asks me to come back. He can see it in my eyes. Sometimes it's triggered within an instant, sometimes triggered seemingly unprovoked. Other times something reminds me of something and my mind starts to drift. Sometimes it hits me while we were alone and I start to convulse again with sobs, other times it hits me in public where I have to contain myself. I'm sure people can tell something is wrong. I cannot look at anyone - man or woman - without thinking "is she anything like the women he was with?" or "he's probably a jerk, too, because all men must be." It's incapacitating. It prevents me from enjoying myself. I know there will be many more moments like this, and while I'm feeling fine I don't know when I'll be hit again. Could be any time, any place. That threat keeps me aloof and distrustful. See, my trust was not only damaged in our relationship, but overall, and that's something I have to work on. I have to heal within myself while our relationship heals.
Mrs. E
So after all those crazy "high" feelings I would not let him sleep in the bed with me. I would not (and still won't) wear his ring. I would not even tell him "I love you." (Even though I told him that I did love him, otherwise would not even have considered giving him another chance.) I just could not say those three words to him, even when he said them to me. So how could I let him make passionate love to me and not allow everything else?
Throughout the day my emotions will overtake me and I start to collapse. The weight of his betrayal sits on me so heavily at times that I feel the urge to vomit, sink within myself, start crying. He notices when I start slipping away and asks me to come back. He can see it in my eyes. Sometimes it's triggered within an instant, sometimes triggered seemingly unprovoked. Other times something reminds me of something and my mind starts to drift. Sometimes it hits me while we were alone and I start to convulse again with sobs, other times it hits me in public where I have to contain myself. I'm sure people can tell something is wrong. I cannot look at anyone - man or woman - without thinking "is she anything like the women he was with?" or "he's probably a jerk, too, because all men must be." It's incapacitating. It prevents me from enjoying myself. I know there will be many more moments like this, and while I'm feeling fine I don't know when I'll be hit again. Could be any time, any place. That threat keeps me aloof and distrustful. See, my trust was not only damaged in our relationship, but overall, and that's something I have to work on. I have to heal within myself while our relationship heals.
Mrs. E
No comments:
Post a Comment